I have this really weird relationship with structure. In my job I LOVE it and really work hard to achieve it. I know it’s benefits and really want to provide that. But then there is this rebellion side of me that really just wants to karate chop structure into fun little pieces. That actually does sound fun!
I’ve spent a good amount of time resting with these thoughts and feelings trying to put a finger on why this is happening. Why do I fight this? Why am I fighting this? I feel like I’ve come to a reason why.
My actual idea of structure has always been so restrictive. I have felt this heavy feeling of “you must do this!” from myself or “let’s fight this.”
The truth is there are two things happening at once in my mind, and both of which are VERY natural and there for a reason. 1. Novelty. I love new things, new ideas, new books, new everything. This is very natural and part of how we learn. The problem is, I tend to unconsciously create novelty where doesn’t doesn’t need to be. Because with whatever is new that I’m getting creates a feeling which in some ways creates life.
The surprise of looking in your bank account and seeing you are overdrawn. While this “surprise” isn’t a great feeling, it’s something new and kind of thrilling. I think subconsciously I’m creating situations like this by choosing the most exciting things to do in the moment (watching tv or surfing the web) instead of creating structure.
WOW: This just accorded to me! There is a structure to everything no matter if we fight it or we don’t. Think about it. You don’t pay your bills, things get shut off. That’s a reliable structure you can bank on, literally. you don’t show up to work you don’t get paid. You don’t take care of your home when things decompose, you’re not going to have a place to live. There IS structure in everything.
I am structure.